he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize