I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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