FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
