You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize