you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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