smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
