You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
