I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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