I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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