Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
