i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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