I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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