I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
