Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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