Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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