I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
