Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
