What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have grass duct taped all over my body
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
