She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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