I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
