The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i came on her dog
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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