just tell him i said nine months
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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