Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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