When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
