Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Text me some of your sweat
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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