a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize