Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He has the fingertips of a God
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