there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
