if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
