So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
