remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize