I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
