yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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