theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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