Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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