textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize