I wish I could punch you in the face.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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