Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
