So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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