mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
