I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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