How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
