I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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