PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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