Fine. I'll sleep in my office
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
