Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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