I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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