I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
