I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
