seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
