You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
