i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
