i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
People in love make me want to vomit
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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