The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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