You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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