How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
