the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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