Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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