I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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