i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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