he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
