I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
