break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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