i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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