both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
