i need an iv and a liver transplant
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
