gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My vagina just clenched in fear
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
