saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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