you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
