Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
