She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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